Mine was alcohol by the gallon any time of the day or night. Oblivion was welcome. I sought it like a heat seeking missile. If it could numb, take the edge off and stop me from having to own the mess my life was it was imbibed as quickly as I could get it into me.
It was hell and yet I was driven to go deeper and deeper into that hell for 15 years consistently. It makes no sense to do something that is making you unhappy, unhealthy and unhuman. But something in me couldn’t function any other way.
When the moment of clarity hit that this was the end of the line, there wasn’t another drink in me let alone another binge, it was relief. A relief it was over and I felt anxiety for the first really ever in my life. Crippling anxiety that could have turned things around the other way but something (I call it divine intervention) held firm in me that made me believe that I could get through this. And I did.
Over time I loved what living a sober was the only life I wanted to live and still do up to this day. There is nothing about my drinking experiences that even for once made me think that would be a better thing to do. Living sober allowed me to look at the other recoveries that I needed to address. I found how I behaved in relationships was something that had less than healthy behaviours, my desire to get a free lunch otherwise known as gambling and my addiction to high level chaos reached heights that even surprised me. I never knew I numbed out on food, binge watching senseless TV or scrolling aimlessly on social media to a point where I’d lose days never mind hours.
Putting down the drink cleared the way for me to start building the life I wanted to live and in order to do that I had to clear some rubbish out of the way to make way for the new. Again the pull of the life sobriety gave me was stronger than any drinking experience ever let me have….ever!
However hard work that might sound’s it is soooooo worth it. Let me say that again. It is soooooo worth it. And as they say hang in there until the miracle happens.